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From Anita Tedaldi, author, journalist and military mom
I’ve been a military wife for 10 years. A good chunk of this time has been filled with deployments and my husband and I have shared many long distance “I love yous” over a scratchy phone line connection.
In the last few years my five daughters and I have sat around a few Thanksgiving dinners without Daddy to cut the Turkey or put olives on his fingers. And we've picked Christmas trees without the big guy there to choose the perfect crooked one for our home.
I think we made it through decorating straight trees and the hard times, with a little flexibility, some creativity and lots of patience.
When it comes to dealing with separation, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. Different things work for different people.
So how do you know what will help you this holiday season if you’re separated from your loved one?
Try different approaches and don’t be afraid to admit that it’s tough. In my home we’ve learned through trial and error. On a particular Thanksgiving when my husband was in Iraq, my children and I went to a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner and the fact that the other two families had both spouses present made us feel like we missed “daddy” even more.
Visiting family or having relatives come over has been the best distraction for my family because it has allowed us to stick to the kids’ routines while bringing grandparents over from Italy with their stories, Panettones (sweet Italian breads) and funny music.
John Avelis, who is married to a Navy Officer, said for him and his son, traveling to visit his wife’s family while she’s deployed has worked well. “At first it was weird to be with my wife’s family without her, but it brought me closer to them and to my wife, since she could see that I want to be a part of her entire family, not just with her.”
If visits with family aren’t possible, you might find support close to home. Military installations and military towns have activities and groups ready to help out during the holidays. Check with military spouses’ clubs, community centers, churches, friends and fellow spouses for things to do, and for people who know what you’re going through. Many bases have “Hearts Apart” dinners, for example, often advertised in the base paper, and they can be a good way to make new friends or share the difficulty of those tough days. The family readiness group, sometimes called by different names throughout the military, can also be extremely helpful. They’re always willing to lend a hand, and spouses shouldn’t hesitate to look them up.
Other families with deployed parents are especially good sources of support, both for the spouse at home and for the kids. Visits with families in the same situation let kids know that while not having dad or mom isn’t easy, they’re not alone in missing someone they love.
And if the stress of the season or the deployment in general gets to be too much, don’t hesitate to reach out to mental health professionals. There’s no shame in seeking help. Military OneSource, Tricare, the military health care program, and your primary care physician can refer you to therapists or counselors in your local area.
Technology has also greatly helped overcome distance, and sometimes it’s possible to even see one another during the holidays, if only on a computer screen. Sending packages, writing letters and taking pictures is another way to do something concrete to bridge the distance.
Whether you are part of the Navy, Army, Marines, or Air Force, the holidays can be tough without a loved one, both for the spouse and the children. Help, formal and informal, is there if you need it.
As my husband has told me on more than one occasion, there’s a nice thing about missing your family: It reminds you how much you love them.
Anita Tedaldi is a an author and journalist whose work has appeared in a variety of publications including The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, CNN, The Guardian UK, NPR, Military.com. To find out more about Anita go to www.ovolina.com
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