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Sad story. Even sadder there are people who would question forgiveness.
Why does newsvine pose these debasing questions?
Of course she the right thing. It is always the right thing to forgive. This short term relationship will always be a comfort to the son as he grows up. Just knowing that his dad loved him so much that he wanted to spend the last days of his life in with him should give this child the inner confidence that he was loved by his dad. It was wonderful that both parents could forgive one another before his death.
My opinion is in the minority. With cancer you never know. I would have waited two years and then let my 4 or 5 year old son unite with his father. A two year old does not have the facilities to understand such loss as evidenced in his behavior --"do you want to play"? No, he is not OK just because he got to know his father for a while, mostly while he was sick and dying. Such a profound loss remains for a lifetime and such an early loss of a loved one is one of the saddest occurrences in life that the mother could have prevented had she just waited to see what would happen with the father's health. It was the height of narcissism that the father even had the cajones to ask. My heart goes out to the young boy and I only hope the mother has the good sense to get him counseling when surely he will need it in order to process the loss and the questions that will remain with him which now, he doesn't even have the intellectual or emotional development to verbalize
When I was 30, I asked my wife of 5 years for a divorce. She was blindsided. She was a great wife. I was in the end a terrible husband with an ego. We learned about five weeks into the divorce process that she was pregnant. We spoke about it, but it was too late for me to stay.
The judge told me that I had no rights to know about the birth. She left town and I knew nothing for 8 months. One day she called me to let me know I had a son. Despite hating me rightfully so, she provided an opportunity for me to know my son.
Since that time we have united as a family despite me living 3,000 miles away. She forgave me and taught me valuable life lessons. I admire her strength. She asked me for only one thing. To never take my son from her. I kept my promise. We now share holidays together and she has become my best friend.
I made a terrible mistake. Yet, our son has both parents. In fact, despite being divorced under such terrible circumstances, he is very happy. He came to stay with me last Christmas for 10 days. He is not 13. He understands how I care for his mother and that perhaps I was too different from her to stay married. I am blessed to have her in my life and will everyday I live respect her and appreciate what she did for all of us - forgiveness.
The boy is only 3 and won't remember his dad or the few events he participated in while dad was alive. The dad is selfish for asking during his last days to alleviate his guilt, the mom was acting out of guilt as well. The child ended up confused about a man who was briefly around then gone (again) forever. I grieve for the child too but for the disaster two self absorbed people created for him.
This mother did the right thing. I live in a similar situation everyday of my life. My son passed away at 24 years old. He had three beautiful little boys. At his death his boys were 4, 2, and 1. Now the mother of the children has moved on with her life and we, the grandparents, a year after his death have custody and are raising the boys. The oldest has fond memories of his dad. He talks about him all the time. The 2 younger children have no memory of their dad. The youngest child has no memory of ever living with his mother. I have pictures of their dad in their rooms. I also have pics of their mom in their rooms. The two youngest call their dad, Caleb's dad. I tell them over and over he was their dad too. My sons' death was sudden and tragic. It is so hard to watch these little boys grow up without their dad who loved them dearly. I reinforce every day of their dad and even their mom loves them very much.
I was motivated to add something more. I got to know my grandfather for two years. Of course, he wasn't my dad, but nevertheless--I still remember his warmth and a little tune that he would hum and I hummed that same tune with my four daughters and even with several of my grandchildren. I was two years old when he died, but those warm hugs and my dad´s great admiration for his father allowed me to know him even more.
I think as the child grows up his mom can add more positive information about his dad´s achievements and hobbies and good memories that will assist her child in knowing more about his dad. He doesn´t need an impersonal clinical psychologist. He just needs a well adjusted mom who knows how to encourage a young boy with good memories of his deceased dad.
Many people are using faulty analysis. They use 20/20 hindsight to see that the outcome was as good as could be expected, therefore the decision was right. But, this isn't scalable. The future mothers faced with this question won't have the luxury of hindsight until after the decision is made. The mother listed two consequences:
1) The boy and father forge a relationship. The father dies shortly after, and the boy is devastated.
2) The boy and father forge a relationship. The father lives, and the father-son relationship continues.
I'm surprised that out of the 140 forum chat responses, only 2 others mentioned a third possibility:
3) The boy and father forge a relationship. The father lives, then abandons the boy a second time, deciding again he doesn't want a relationship. I found it troubling the father at one point said he didn't want a relationship now, only when the boy was older. He saw fatherhood in terms of convenience instead of obligation.
There is potential reward for giving someone a second chance, but there is also risk. People finding themselves in a similar situation should consider the risks, rewards, and likelihoods of all possible outcomes.
I completely agree with this. The father demonstrated clearly that he wasn't dependable and wasn't involved and only after he was dying did he change his behavior. That is shameful. Most likely he would have abandoned his son a second time if he lived, and would have disappeared (again) if he died. Doubtful AT ALL that he would have stayed around if he had the choice.
How do you know the father abandoned the son in the first place? SHE moved several thousand miles away from HIM. Sounds like she did the abandoning, not the father.
Thank you, Jen K! I can't believe others didn't pick up on THAT! The author says her ex DID visit their son BEFORE she moved across the country. She also says he couldn't afford to visit NY, unless he could stay with her or her mother (which I'm assuming was not an option except under the extreme circumstance of his terminal illness). And you can't maintain a relationship with a 2-year-old by phone. There may have been good reason for him hoping to build the relationship when the son was old enough to talk on the phone, e-mail, exchange letters and fly back to TX for visits!
I agree that she moved thousands of miles away. She claimed she needed to get away from the "destruction." Maybe she made a loaded statement, and perhaps she shouldn't have moved. But, the article also says before she moved that he "dropped in for visits" which doesn't sound like a regular basis. The article also implies he didn't call his son on the phone after she moved until the father was sick. Maybe you can't maintain a good relationship with a 2 year old by phone, but wouldn't calling consistently be better than nothing?
Again, I mention it only as 1 of 3 possibilities. My point is not that she made the wrong choice. My point is that people are failing to address all the pros and cons when they simply say "He is the father, therefore she should have allowed the visit."
I read your story and I felt your pain. Trust you did the "RIGHT" thing. Not only did your son and his father need this time but you did as well , "To let go and let live." This was truly a healing process for all of you. I am so very sorry for you and your son's loss but I shout and rejoice for the healing and the time you all had together those memories will last a lifetime.
I have read your story. Trust you did the "RIGHT" thing.This was time for healing much needed by all involved. You allowing your son to see his father during this time showed Compassion for your exhusband and Empathy as well. The lessons which you have taught your son by doing so will last a lifetime, he'll carrry with him forever and he'll e a better man because of it. Later on in life he'll come to know about the relationship you and his father had and he'll see what a wonderful forgiving mother he has and he'll thank you for it, for the time you allowed him to have with his father. You are truly a remarkable selfless woman for putting your feeling aside and thinking of your son and his father. Thank You so many women would have hearten their hearts but not you. I am truly sorry for your loss but I'm so grateful for the healing that has taken place and for the lasting memories which you all have created, they will last a lifetime. Thank You.
Why was there even a question? It was morally the right thing to do. The man was sorry to have bailed and once he got a bit of maturity -- we all don't mature at the same time in every aspect, he was planning on being there for the son. Not everyone is able to deal with small children, even people that initially want to be parents. This man was not too different than a lot of people who run away from family responsibility ( just look at all the single moms and dads out there) but fortunately, he had the opportunity to come back and be part of his son's life, if only for a brief while. Judah will not really remember his dad when he grows up, but he will have tangible proof from mementos and from his mother's writings that he had a father and a dad that in the end really really CARED. The dad was a prodigal son and he was welcomed home in the best way everyone could. Forgiveness and mercy go hand in hand. Bless this family.
I was in a similar situation with my son. He was 7 and I asked him if he wanted to see his father, he said no. I know there are people out there saying he was to young to decide, but before judgement is passed let me explain. My son has been in and out of the hospital since he was 18mths old, nearly dying twice, and even though his father lived with us he was not there for him. My mother tried saying that cancer had changed the man, but my reply to her was a simple fact:
People in prison and those who find they are dying after only thinking of themselves or treating people horribly miraculously find God and change for the better. Halle-F'n-lujah!
SHe did the righ thing ,compassionate and caring lady ,her son is going to be proud of her when he grow up and learn what his mother did ....what a act of compassion! she did the right thing INDEED!
Really it dosent matter what everyone else thinks. As long as you know in your heart you made the right decision thats all that matters. Maybe this was Gods way of allowing the Dad to see his son. Otherwise, maybe he would of never met him at all! I dont have all the answers and what I do know is Heavenly father has a plan for us all, and he had a plan for your sons father. Please share with your son that his dad still lives within his heart today and always!!!! ..... May God Bless you Both!
Barbi
Life is about forgiveness, You do not have to forget and this is about a son getting to know his father and about life and death. Not love/hate or revenge. She did the right thing and she does not have to like her ex for what he did. She and her son will be better off in the long run.
I'm sorry, but I feel very selfish on the Father's part.. Where was he when the little boy was growing up.. again being selfish and only cared about himself.. If he hadn't gotten sick, would he have asked to re-unite with his son?? Probably no.. It's too bad that people don't realize that kids have feelings too and that this so called Father didn't care about him when the little boy needed him so why should he care about his Father.. ANYONE CAN BE A FATHER, BUT IT TAKES A SPECIAL MAN TO BE A DADDY... and that's one thing that this man never was, a Daddy...
I have mixed reactions. The Mother is a saint to even consider allowing her ex the opportunity to be a parent in his last days. I read the article several times and as much as I feel sorry for his diagnosis he appeared to still have the "Frank Sinatra Syndrome" - "..I did it myyy waaayyyy...". Per the article he put demands on Mother (i.e., I want to see him as much as possible, I want to stay with you while in town, etc.). It was still all about him. The article didn't indicate that he wanted the both of them as parents to sit down with the son to discuss that he would soon make a transition. In fact, he minimized the situation when the boy asked him if he was going to die - his response was that he would be around for a long time. That was unfair to the child. At that age children hang on to concrete answers. Also, he said he had "planned" to be a part of his son's wife when he was older....did he have this discussion with Mother while he filed divorce papers in the 7th month of pregnancy? Although it wan't mentioned in the article, did he ever say "I'm sorry to her or the child?" If he was bold enough to have that child call him Daddy he should have been man enough to tell the child I'm sorry. If that occurred maybe I wouldn't have this reaction to him. Even if her decision had been to not let the child see the father, I believe that she could have slept at night knowing that she has been a good parent.
Well to be honest, I don't know if I would do as she did. She should earn a gold star in heaven for this. It seems like the father is a cad and she took a risk by letting her son get hurt. Losing a parent is a very traumatic thing to experience, expecially at such a young age. It seems like the 'father' realized what a bastard he was and tried to make amends...hmm. Just because you are dying doesn't mean you are neccessarily a good guy. What the mom did was commendable, but I don't think I would take that risk.
She made the right choice and she will be happy with herself the rest of her life.Its not the little boys fault he was born,and why take the father out on the child.
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I know that you think about how awful he is but what would God do, so yes she did the right thing.